My road to recovery Day 1

This is my first full day of being out in the real world. Its strange, knowing what all I know now about myself and my mental illnesses. Today I decided to quit college for right now. I will be going to a tech college starting in Jan. I'm moving to Valdosta with a friend so that's a new thing for me too. So many changes going on. I am not a huge fan of change. Its freaking me out a little. But i am trying my best to remain calm and over come everything. I know this is going to involve a lot of change, but it will work out for me in the end.

Songs that touch my heart.

This is part of the song Black Dahlia by Hollywood Undead.

I wish I could have quit you

I wish I never missed you, and told you that I loved you every time I fucked you

The future that we both drew and all the shit that we've been through

Obsessed with the thought of you in pain just grew and grew

How could you do this to me

Look at what I made for you it never was enough and the world is what I gave you

I use to be love struck now I'm just fucked up

pull up my selves and see the pattern of my cuts

This song really speaks to me. I have been in love with someone that I was willing to do anything for, and it was driving me crazy I also have an issue with cutting.

progress

Between the first of the year and now I have lost 11 pounds. that's good and I feel a lot better now than I did then. True I still have to lose 86 pounds to reach my goal. I have faith that I can do it. I just have to exercise more. Get out and walk and what not.

found a poem

I was going through some of my notes and what not from my first samester, and I found a poem that I will now share with you.

I want to laugh,cry,scream.and just end it all. I don't ever wanna be apart, but just being near you is killing me. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Do I tell you again how I feel? Make you feel odd because you dont feel the same. Do I just let it go and be happy with what I have? I feel like I could be ok with what we have now. I just need to get in and saty in the mind set that this is not love. This is just tow people who care about each other the way all friends should.

Yep that's my poem, I know it does not rhyme, but it is a poem none the less.

College Life

This is the first time I am writing about being a full time college student. I kinda wounder what took me so long to do this. This week and last week I have been staying in the dorms with my new room mate. Next week everyone comes back to the dorms and classes start. I am a little freaked out about that. I mean, I know I will do good in my classes. but I cant help but freak out a little. I mean some of the classes I am taking are NOT easy at all. Oh well, Till tomorrow. Much love.

Just a few thoughts

Sleep has been avoiding me as of late. I have not had much of a want for food. Been really depressed. Been assessing some relationships. There are people in my life that I really wish were not, but there is noting at all I can do about that. I will hopefully getting my meds today. That should level things out. Make me feel a lot better about being myself. I am hoping for the best.

Stress

I have never been so stressed out in my life. I know everything will work out in the end, but I cant help but have this feeling like the world is just crashing down around me. And as is the norm with my life falling apart..... I am the reason. Hindsight is 20/20 and there is nothing I can do to change the past. All I can do is change the way I do things and move on. Hoping for the best.

Useless

Sometimes I feel like I'm not good at anything at all. Every time I try to do something, someone, most times a friend of mine, tells me strait up or hints at the fact that I suck at what ever it is that I'm trying to do. I know they don't mean to hurt me, and I know they care about me, but it still hurts like hell. Just knowing that nothing I try to do, or enjoy doing is worth it because suck. They think that by telling me how much I suck that is going to help me do better, but its not true. All they do is make me want to do what ever it is ever again.

Sick

I'm sick of the pain, Sick of the hurt. Sick of being nothing more to this world than a waste of space. I have never been useful, never been worth anything to any one. People say they care, and in some small way I bet they do, but would there life not be much better with out me? Would they not be happier with out me around? I just want it all to stop. The pain to go away. I want to stop existing. Stop being alive. Stop being me. Hell, I don't even wanna be someone else. I just want to go away forever. To the other side. I just wish I had never been born.

I would NEVER

Been thinking a lot today about things I said I would never do or thought I would never do, and how I have done them.

I will never be smart enough to make it to college. ~ Not only did I make it in , but I am also really glad that I did it. I am really enjoying the experience.

I will NEVER play D&D. ~ I now play every weekend, and would play more if I could.

I will never play those dumb facebook games. ~ I play most of them now.

I will never just "hook up" with a guy that's not my boyfriend. ~ Just because you hook up with a guy your not dating does not make you a slut or a whore. I know that now.

I will NEVER date a girl. ~ Not only have I dated a girl, but I realized I'm Bi.

that's only a few things I have learned in my life. And as much as I hate to admit it, Justin Bieber had it right when he said "never say never"

Just wrong.

Now, most people know I am Pagan. What they don't know is I have mad love for all religions. What I don't have love for is hate. I came across 2 signs from Grace Baptist Church in Hazlehurst, GA thanks to my friend Jordy Roland. This makes me so sick. I feel something should be done! Send letters and call. Tell this church that god tells us to love everyone not hate. The address is 12 N Williams St Hazlehurst, GA 31539 the phone number is (912) 375-7519 Tell them that even Pagans have more of "gods love" than they do.

The truth (a poem)

You think you're so much better. So much nicer. Its not true. You're just as shallow, and just as conceited. You're not some sort of saint. You're just as bad as him. The only difference is that he never claimed to be a good person.

An entry form the zombie Apocalypse

The sun sets tonight. As red as the stains that mar my cloths. The blood of both friends and family cover my white dress. I came into this fight a girl, with nothing but my guns, and so much fear. I leave a woman, ready to defend what is left of humanity.

Friends???

I have had a few friends in my years of being alive. Some are good friends, some are bad friends, and some I wonder why I call them friends at all. I also know that sometimes once group of friends may not like another group of friends, but I have ALWAYS done my best to make them be nice to each other. I never want any of my friends to feel excluded just because one or two people don't like them. Why is this not true with everyone? How can you set there and watch another person dogging and being just plane rude to someone you clamed is your friend? I think that that means the time has come for everyone involved to reassess themselves. Why are you letting your friends treat each other like shit? Why are you letting your friend’s friends treat you like shit? WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING DICK??!!?? Think about all of this, let it mull around in your mind for a day or two, then decide, would you want someone to do that to you? I know I don’t.